April 21st, 2004


Dreading Work.

Well, it's Wednesday, which sucks. Why? That means it's my Monday, and that I have to wear blues today. I hate wearing those things. They are uncomfortable and don't feel right. Not to mention the fact I really can't stand putting on any Air Force uniform anymore. I really can't wait to get out of this job, it's just too constricting. It's not a job, it's a lifestyle, and one that I no longer enjoy. I do not have it in me to drop everything in my life for the "greater good of country" anymore. It is not that I don't believe in protecting the country no, it's that I don't feel that my job is really making that big of a difference, and I've given more of myself to it than I have to anything else. That makes me feel quite depressed.

I am sitting here writing this, watching TV, which reminds me, I need to call and change my cable service in the next few days. I look around my apartment and feel like a total slob, as it's a huge mess. (Ok, not as bad as some people's I've seen, but not as clean as I would like it to be.) I really should get up and clean...

Well, the other day I went out to dinner after work. Bruce and I went to the Shangri La restaurant across the street here, and I was quite impressed. The food was delicious and the atmosphere perfect. Quite a value and a pleasure. After the dinner I opened my fortune cookie, and was kind of startled by the fortune. "If you listen to others, you are ignoring your own path."

It stuck in my head for some reason, wasn't sure why, but the next day it sort of became clear. I was sitting at work thinking about those words when it hit me. I was so drawn to them because they applied to me so strongly. I had been listening to the warnings and doubts of a select few individuals for so long that I had lost track of the truth. I had stopped listening to my heart.

I have long had this philosophy that as long as we look inside ourselves and honestly listen to our heart, we'll never have need to question anything, we'll never have need to fear anything. Yet, there I was, not listening. Realizing that has gone a long way to lifting a lot of stress from my shoulders, but I still have a ways to go I think. My job is just too much for me lately. It's not me, it's not who I am anymore. The simple idea that a job is more important than family, friends, and self is just something I can't accept. You pay me to work 40 hours a week, if you want more from me, then you should pay me more. That's just how I see it.

I think it's time to work on my resume, and try to get myself an extra job. It has to be one that is flexible though, because of my crappy work schedule. I want to work on my programming skills, and web design. It's where my best options are right now I think.

Anyone have a job for a programmer that they want to let me do from home? Lol.
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